Can a reality TV star save our high street?

The Romans provided free wheat and games, reasoning that the distracted masses would let them pursue less popular policies unmolested.

Two thousand years on and politicians still rely on similar diversions, only now instead of bread and circuses we have coffee bars and celebrities.

So it was hardly surprising that when the Government needed to be seen to be doing something about the declining state of our high streets, it appointed a reality TV star to compile a report. 

Not that Mary Portas wasn’t eminently qualified, just that possibly she was chosen more for her talents in front of the camera than behind the counter.

It may be argued that a major sector of the economy and one of its largest employers would have been better served by a team of advisers from all sectors. Individuals to represent retailers, landlords, councils, consumers, shop workers, and so on. But then no one outside our industry would’ve known who they were, would they?

I’m not criticising the Portas report. It contains many excellent points and some radical thinking. But I don’t think it was expected to be that thorough. Mary was supposed to send a public message to the average voter that the Government had its concerned face on.

Now in a breathtaking example of tokenistic spin we’re invited to step further into the glossy maelstrom of showbiz, courtesy of Mary’s final recommendation, expediently interpreted by minister Grant Shapps – the offer of a ‘golden ticket’ for 12 lucky towns who will receive Mary’s and his attention and about £83k, subject to approval of their audition video. Quite what is to become of thousands of other performers who don’t hit their marks we’re not told.

So roll up, don your sequinned frock, your patent leather shoes, and let ringmaster Grant know just how much you deserve to keep your business or your job.

But hurry, applications must be in by March 30. It’s an easy date to remember. It’s one day before you start paying your 2012 business rates, with the 5.6% increase slapped on by your concerned government. Don’t forget the cuddly toy.