As the new Government is announced, Retail Week imagines a country run by retailers. With their proven leadership qualities and an eye for what the average man on the street wants, we examine how the UK’s biggest retail names could give our politicians a run for their money
Prime Minister
Tesco’s boss is a marketing man with a strategic mind. The consummate professional, he leads the biggest retail business in the UK, while at the same time successfully playing out his ambitions on an international stage. As such, he is the natural choice for the top job in the Government.
A Prime Minister in the Tony Blair mould, he would drive the country on to bigger and better things, bouncing back from the occasional blip. His obsession with consumer data and feedback could mean that, unlike the real politicians, he’d have an instant grasp of what the electorate was thinking.
Leader of the House of Commons
There is nothing the Next boss does not know about his business and, in the role of Government enforcer, he would have no less attention to detail, nor be less strict. Wolfson is never one to shy away from political statements: he led the business leaders’ revolt on proposed National Insurance rises and is being lined up by the Tories for a seat in the Lords.
However, in Retail Week’s cabinet, we envision him holding this key role in the lower chamber, ensuring that the rest of the Government toes the party line while taking an active interest in parliamentary reform. Wolfson is the retailer most up to the task, keeping Next out of the business pages of the press, steering its multichannel strategy and delivering the odd curveball - such as its purchase of Lipsy or selling kitchens online - to keep the opposition on their toes.
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Kate Swann
The iron lady of retail if ever there was one, this high-flyer would be focused firmly on the purse strings. Margaret Thatcher was famous for axeing free school milk, but Kate Swann could be relied upon to slash all public sector spending and bring the budget deficit back under control.
Were Swann to become Chancellor, you can be sure a spending review would be immediately forthcoming and the Conservatives’ promises of spending cuts would seem like small change. Famous for squeezing every last penny of profit out of WHSmith’s business, even when sales are falling, she wouldn’t let dwindling tax receipts get in the way of delivering public services for far less.
Foreign Secretary
The suave and sophisticated Dutchman has been likened to James Bond (and not just by the women of Retail Week). Bolland has seamlessly managed his move from Morrisons to Marks & Spencer and you could expect him to show a similarly capable display as Foreign Secretary, with his ability to win friends and influence people.
His ability to manage Sir Ken Morrison as a chairman shows his diplomatic skills are second to none. Bolland has already proven himself multi-lingual and capable of adopting the local culture wherever he goes - even becoming a Leeds United fan. He also upped Morrisons’ game and helped the supermarket to raise its profile outside its northern heartland.
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills
The ultimate entrepreneur, who rose from a small shopkeeper to become a billionaire; if there is one man who could tackle red tape and help British business to thrive, it must be Sir Philip.
Empathising with small business, big business and everything inbetween, Green would push for productivity and competitiveness and come down hard on the City and the public sector. He has already proven his commitment to training the workforce of the future through his Fashion Academy. Plus he helped rescue Kate Moss’ image - and her bank balance. Maybe he could do the same for the UK manufacturing sector?
Home Secretary
You only need to think about how far he has moved the culture in Sainsbury’s to imagine Justin King in the role of Home Secretary. In real life he has needed to apply a firm but fair approach to turn around the business and deal with the indiscipline he found when he took over in 2004. In his Government position, this would come in handy to prop up the Home Office, which has also seen powers come and go and multiple reorganisations in recent times.
Never averse to a picture opportunity we are sure crimebusting Home Secretary King would be more than happy to hug a hoodie.
Secretary of State for Defence
Sharp-suited, never a hair out of place, Sir Stuart Rose would cut the mustard with the bigwigs of the armed forces on personal presentation.
Not only has he faced down a barrage of criticism from investors over a number of matters, he also has form defending several businesses from hostile takeover bids. A little like Churchill at Gallipoli, he might not have won his first battle to protect Argos from a bid by GUS, but he learnt his lesson. And, when an aggressor came along again in the form of Sir Philip Green’s bid for M&S, Rose held his nerve and emerged the victor.
Secretary of State for Justice
Mike Ashley
With more experience than most retailers at dealing with the legal authorities, Mike Ashley is clearly capable of getting along with those responsible for tackling crime, having appointed a former police chief, Keith Hellawell, as his non-executive chairman.
Never one to shy away from a sponsorship opportunity, we wouldn’t be surprised to see prisons emblazoned with the Sports World logo and Toon Army striped prison uniforms.
But don’t be shocked if he rubs the judiciary up the wrong way. After all, think of his track record ignoring those investors and investment analysts who make the judgements on his share price.
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families
Lord Harris
With about 20,000 children in South London already benefiting from the academies, specialist schools and primary schools opened by The Harris Federation, Retail Week could not think of a better patriarch than Lord Harris of Peckham to act as education minister.
Having his charity take over the group of schools that were previously unpopular with parents has transformed them. The academies are now oversubscribed by a ratio of 5:1.
He’s also a big believer in the family, having passed his retailing skills and experience on to his capable son, Martin, presently group commercial director at Carpetright.
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
Cycling-mad fitness fanatic Andy Bond may soon have the time to take up this post as he goes three days a week at Asda in his new role as chairman.
But it is not just his athletic prowess and ultra-competitive streak that makes him the perfect candidate for this role. With all the advertising spend Asda has pumped into the broadcasters and newspapers over the years, he should have a feel for the media. Your average Asda store may not be a centre for culture, but perhaps Bond could introduce the Everyday Low Price concept to the theatre, opera and ballet.
Secretary of State for Transport
Lord Kirkham
With his helicopter always on stand-by, Lord Kirkham should find it easy to travel the length and breadth of the UK to check out the transport situation. What better way to assess the traffic jams, railway hold-ups and flight delays than with a bird’s eye view, from the comfort of your own craft.
Having famoulsy been involved in a road rage incident, Kirkham would no doubt have something to say about motoring laws. He could also introduce some policies to endear train companies to consumers a little more - season tickets on Sale for six months of the year or free for two years with interest-free credit perhaps?
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Mark Price
Waitrose’s self-styled ‘Chubby Grocer’ is the first to admit that he loves his food, so putting him in charge of Defra makes perfect sense.
A pal of renowned agriculturalist Prince Charles, Price loves nothing more than the English countryside and has even written a book on the perfect picnic.
A big backer of quality produce, Price has previously derided a competitor for selling sausages for 2p each, and believes we need to bring more food production back to the UK.
Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change
Retail’s biggest advocate of environmental responsibility has long been a poster boy for the green lobby. As well as being a member of the Corporate Leaders Group on Climate Change, he has been a vocal opponent of building a third runway at Heathrow airport.
We wouldn’t be surprised if he proposed laws requiring all homes to have loft insulation or to fit wind turbines - as long as B&Q was appointed as one of the preferred suppliers of course.
Secretary of State for International Development
Ben Gordon
If international development means making sure no child in the world goes without a ride in a Bugaboo, then Ben Gordon is your man. He has experience of developing enterprise in countries as far-flung as Nigeria, Indonesia and Kazakhstan.
Since Mothercare has worked with local organisations for years through its franchise model, it should take only a small re-adjustment for Gordon to head up the department that doles out our international aid budget.
4 Readers' comments