Neil Kennedy, chairman of Stonell and director of Geaves Surface Solutions

There’s an old joke about a store greeter being constantly rebuffed and sworn at by a Waynetta Slagg of a customer and her two appalling sons: “Good morning madam, what a lovely day” got the bum’s rush; “What delightful children” received another foul-mouthed tirade. Finally, in desperation, he asked if her sons were by any chance twins, which was greeted with an enquiry about how he could possibly think that, not least because one was 14 and the other seven. To which the gallant retail ambassador finally gave up on his charm offensive and answered: “Because I can’t imagine anyone sleeping with you twice.”

Currently, there’s not much to laugh about in retail. The admirable Nigel Rothband of Retail Trust tells me that, over the past three months, there has been a retail redundancy every working minute. And as we don’t make cars or run a bank (although look what happened at HBoS when a retailer did run a bank) there are no government bailout funds for us; just 35,000 staff out of work and 300 per cent more calls to the Retail Trust’s helpline so far this year. 

Here’s a new pub quiz question for you: what have Rochdale, Rotherham, Luton, Torquay and Beckton all got in common? Answer: they all have between 20 and 30 per cent of shops closed on their high streets.

As we don’t make cars or run a bank, there are no government bailout funds for us

I’m lucky enough to live in a small town only an hour from London, with a doctor, dentist (three), vet, chemist (two), dry-cleaner, gunsmith, fishmonger, physiotherapist, chiropodist, florist (two), Tesco Express, barber, hairdresser (four), ironmonger (two), Co-op, funeral director (two), pub (seven), Indian (six) and Chinese (two) takeaway, quite good restaurant (two) and a railway station – all walkable from my bijou little semi.We’ve always had empty shops but there’s always someone prepared to take a risk and have a go, probably because our local rents aren’t prohibitive.

The eminently sensible manifesto of this magazine’s Backing UK Retail campaign is a no-brainer, although Mr Brown doesn’t seem to be able to grasp it. I recently got a 5 per cent VAT rate on converting my house from flats to a house again – why not extend that concession for refurbishing empty shops? Just wait till I’m Prime Minister.